Toughening Up - My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . . Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...DOH!
Male Stages of Life - Stages of Life THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive." AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
Polish Wedding Night - What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night? A last name.
Blow - what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis? you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!
Elephant Jokes Eight - Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments. Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant? A: Wipe it off! Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? A: None of the offspring survived. Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? A: VERY attractive. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard? A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag! Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!". Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room. Q: What's grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant. Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? A: Swim for your life!! Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs? A: To trip low flying canaries. Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass? A: He wasn't laying on his back. Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears? A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character) Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am? A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees. Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am. Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes? A: Slow pygmies.
What time does the bar open? - At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
What is a country song played backwards? - Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
My Granny's Better! - Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther? Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer... Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do? Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frog Available - A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said, "Clitoris licking frog available". Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her. Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying : -"Please ring for service" The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. "Bonjour madame"